Not Cut Out To Be a Mom

I generally am pretty good about putting a smile on my face and telling others that I'm doing well. What other's don't know sometimes is behind that smile, I'm hurting. I would like to think that I see the glass half full most of the time. I feel like if I do get down, I have others telling me how good I have it and how much worse it could be. I don't want to hear that today, because it's not going to put things into perspective or make me feel better. I don't want to hear about other's problems that are "worse" than mine. Maybe my challenge is just as hard as a different challenge is to someone. Today, I'm definitely feeling totally defeated and at a bit of a loss. I need to get it off my chest. As you know, Rowan has had some developmental delays which I talked about last month. Today we went in for his well child visit and it couldn't have gone worse. At first, it wasn't too bad. He was ok getting weighed, measured, bp taken. Once the nurse stepped out and the Dr. stepped in, it seemed that everything went downhill. He was laying up on the exam table eating a granola bar and became unruly. It had chocolate on it, and he wiped his chocolatey hand on the wall. I told him no, wiped it off and he did it again. This happened a few more times before I got him off the table. Once on the floor, he started thrashing. Our ped, trying to help got a wet wipe and asked Rowan if he could wipe off his hands. He screamed, tried to scratch the Dr. and finally got his hands wiped down. I tried to pick him up and he started thrashing and hitting me. At this point, I'm trying to have a conversation with our ped while trying to manage Rowan. I put Rowan in a naughty spot in the corner and it only made things worse. He screamed, threw himself backwards and kept trying to hit me. I almost didn't recognize this child.
The ped started asking me a bunch of questions about his behavior, vocabulary and asked if he had regressed from his 3 year well child. I think he's about the same with a bit more vocabulary. He then began to ask me about ADD, and if there was any family history of mental problems, asperger's, etc. We talked for quite a while, this whole time Rowan basically failed to use any sort of communication with me or the ped and was aggressive. He does have bouts of this, but it's not usually this bad. Chandler was laying on the chair at this time, and was down on the floor. The ped got after him and asked me some questions about Chandler as well. After chatting with him for about 10 minutes, he also suggested that maybe there is some sort of pervasive development disorder or which is on the mild spectrum of autism. He told me he wanted to refer him to a child psychiatrist for a second opinion. He said at least if we meet with a child psychiatrist, we could rule out certain things, or pinpoint the problem. He also said that it would probably be a month or so before they would contact us since they are pretty booked out. He wants to see Rowan back in a month. This whole conversation, I was fighting back tears.
Once I got in the car, it all came out.

I cried the entire way home.

Today I feel like life is unfair and I'm not cut out to be a mom. I have already had so much guilt about school, but once school is over, I'm still wanting to work part time. I need that outlet in my life, but it means that my kids are in some sort of childcare. I see over and over how stay at home moms are grateful to stay at home with their kids, but I want to work a couple days a week. I look at some families with 5 kids and they are able to manage better than I can with 2. I see how they behave sometimes and wonder what I am doing wrong. Yes, tell me not to compare, but today I'm going to compare. I'm going to compare because I'm feeling bitter.
I'm also confused at this referral from the ped. He spent 10 minutes with Rowan, asked me 50 questions and sent out a referral. Is his 10 minute evaluation and referral justified when I am his mom and am with him a lot of the time? I told him I did have some testing done and he is getting help through the school district, but I almost feel in a way that he dismissed that. Part of me doesn't want to go through with the referral because I feel that we need to go forward with his special preschool for a bit, but I don't want our ped to think I'm not advocating or being neglectful of my child. He kept telling me that it probably came somewhere genetically and I'm just so darn frustrated I want to scream. What do I do?

I seriously love my boys, so much, but sometimes I wonder if I could ever handle any more kids. Marshall and I have discussed when to maybe have another child, but days like today I almost feel like we should be done. I can't handle it, I'm not cut out for it, and I feel like I'm not doing a good job.

Now excuse me while I go take some Aleve with a Coke, my head is throbbing and I think I'm dehydrated.

Well Child Checkups

It's that time of year again! Here are the stats for the boys:

Chan @ 6 years:
45 lbs - 50%
45 inches - 50%

Rowan @ 4 years:
35 lbs - 50%
40 inches - 50%

Growing just like they should!

A Day In NYC

At the end of last month, I was invited to become a Slim-Fast Ambassador. I'm sure some of you are shaking your heads like I don't need to lose weight, but the idea behind the ambassadorship and program was to create a WOW moment. I'm still carrying 10 extra lbs from before the first time I got pregnant. I'm also shooting to run a half marathon in 2 hours, so those are my goals. You can read more about it here.

I went to NYC on the 16th and 17th for a Studio Wow event. Amazing and quick trip to say the least. We are 45 mins from the airport, flight is 5 hours and it was another hour to get to my hotel in NYC, so to say the least, I did a ton of traveling in just a few short days. Some of the other bloggers were only being flown in for the day but because I live farther away, they put me up in a hotel that night. I stayed at 70 Park Avenue. This was posted above my bed. The part that you can't see on the picture said, "hold" in red. I didn't get it either.



While I was there, I was too afraid to go out by myself, so I opted to order in room service that night and the next morning. In case you are wondering what $25 of room service in NYC looks like, see below. Breakfast in the morning was equally as expensive.



The next morning, I went for a nice run, ate breakfast at the desk in my room, and skyped with my Rowan man since it was his birthday. I spent my time showering and getting ready which doesn't happen all that often and checked out at 12 pm.





I was then taken over to Gary's Loft, where Studio Wow was set up in a top floor penthouse. It looked pretty amazing!



I had this fantastic view of the Empire State Building if I looked out one of the windows. Too bad it was foggy that day!



We ate lunch at a fabulous place and then came back to Studio Wow to have our own little wow moment. The Studio Wow team was so amazing and included photographer Nigel Barker, beauty expert Joey Maalouf, chef Robin Miller, stylist Jacqui Stafford and Ali Auerbach - their registered dietician. Here is the kitchen where Robin Miller was set up.



I met with each of them one on one and it was so much fun. I was excited to get this picture with Nigel Barker:



Ali gave me tips on how to lose a bit of weight while I train, Joey did my hair, Jacqui showed me some styles that would look great on me, Robin let me taste some of her meal creations, and Nigel took some pictures! Below is my headshot that I was e-mailed, pretty fun, right?



Amazing experience, and I'm excited to meet my goals!

Rowan's 4th Birthday

It seems like between the months of November and the first of February, we never stop celebrating. In that time span we have Chandler's Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Marshall's Birthday, Rowan's Birthday and my birthday. It's a good thing that our anniversary is in the summer. ;)
Rowan's birthday this year fell on a Tuesday (the 17th) but we celebrated on the Saturday before.

I was going on a blogging trip on his birthday and so we celebrated his birthday on a Saturday which worked out great. We pretty much stayed in, had an ice cream cake, and opened presents. Rowan was pretty content to watch his new movie and play with his new toys so we didn't go out. I still don't think he understood fully what it meant for it to be his birthday, but he knew he got to blow out candles and got presents so he was a pretty happy camper. From us he got: a cars 2 puzzle, the cars 2 movie, a big interactive Mater car from Cars 2 (seeing a theme?), and a little Mickey Fishing game. He also got some Trio Fisher price sets from Gma & Gpa Snedaker, and $20 from Puppy and Papa Nielson. We opted for an ice cream cake this year which I thought was a great success. I don't love to make cake, and when we buy the themed cakes, we end up having so much leftover which I don't want hanging around. So instead we bought a Lightening McQueen car and stuck it on top of the Ice Cream Cake. Huge hit, genius thinking.
I took a ton of pictures that night and when I went to upload them today, they were all magically gone. I'm so disappointed to say the least as we had gotten some cute pictures of him. We, however took some video which I've compiled below. He got so so excited, and even has a Mater impersonation down, so you definitely need to watch the video below! (Ignore the title text thing, I forgot to put in a title in imovie.)




At age 4 Rowan's:
Favorite Foods: Peanutbutter toast and waffles, fruit snacks, apples, french fries
Interests: Trains (still), Cars 2, Transformers, playing iPad
Is wearing: size 4T pants and shirts, and a size 10 shoe

We sure love our little Row Row and even though he isn't a baby anymore, he's still my baby. Happy Birthday Rowan!

Happy 29th

I love this man. He turned 29 on the 7th. Got him shoes, some smell good stuff, a new shirt, and Boyce Avenue tickets for when they come to SLC in March. Made cupcakes with blue frosting. Went to Winger's for dinner. He says he had a great birthday, much deserved.

Basketball Practice

We've wanted to sign Chan up for some kind of sport for a while but wanted to wait until he wanted to and was ready. In looking into Jr. Jazz, he was able to play this year as long as he turned 6 before the end of the year. We signed him up, thinking he'd be playing with other kindergartner's. They didn't have enough of his age sign up so he is playing with first and second graders. There is one other kindergartener on his team, the only girl, and he's the youngest. Most of the kids we know because they live close and are in our ward at church. It was so funny to see our little man with all of these bigger kids. He really looks small. He has practice once a week and 8 games starting at the end of the month. I took a short clip at his first practice. I think he was clueless, but totally had fun and even made some baskets while they were practicing shooting. Look for the shortest one with a jersey and you will see Chan. :)

Potty Talk

It seems that on a daily basis the boys are doing something that we are laughing at or just shaking our heads and wondering, what were they thinking? The other night, Marshall and I were downstairs watching TV and the boys were upstairs in their room. We took a quick break and Marshall went to check on the boys.
He found Rowan in the bathroom, pants off, sink full of water with his feet in the water. He was bending forward to dip his little bottom in the sink. After taking a survey of the area, he saw "skid" marks around the bathroom sink and poop in the toilet. He also noted that the toilet paper was out.


Rowan indicated to his dad that he needed help with his bum. Poor little guy didn't know what to do without any toilet paper, so he created a homemade bidet to try to get clean. Marshall got Rowan down from the sink and went to find some toilet paper. Once he found it, he brought it in to Rowan, and what did Rowan do? Not wipe his bottom, but proceeded to wipe his skid marks off the sink. What a good boy. But really, one of those moments....

Rowan Rides the Bus

Today Rowan got on the bus, his first day at his special preschool. It was a bit hard putting my 3 year old on a bus, but he was oh so excited.



Once on the bus, he was totally ready to go. He looked a little panicked when another child we know got on the bus screaming, but I'm sure he'll do fine. Cute little man, I really do love him.

Sledding In Idaho

While we were in Idaho, we went sledding/snowmobiling up to the Rexburg Bench with Marshall's family. Lots of fun!